I love playing golf. It's a perfect game for me because it does not require me to find someone to play with. I'm a natural introvert and never really good at getting a bunch of people to play sports with me. As a kid, I spent hours playing baseball in the front yard by myself. My friends on my street didn't wake up until noon and I would just hit the ball as far as I could and chase the ball around the yard. The neighbors probably thought I was psychotic, playing with my imaginary friends. When I finally discovered golf in medical school, I realized you could hit the ball over and over again and not chase it. It's called a driving range.

I just realized I haven't played a round of golf since the day before my daughter Karissa passed away. That was just 8 weeks ago. I made a tee time to play with my father-in-law tomorrow morning. He's been taking golf lessons and had been looking forward to playing with me with his new and improved swing. It seems like there's more and more of these firsts that are happening, and yet there are more to come that I'm not looking forward to. Of course it's a normal part of getting back to living life after tragedy. As a doctor I have spent many nights memorizing the stages of grief, learning the DSM-IV classifications for grief, learning how to treat it with medication and listening and trying and put myself in the shoes of people who are going through the death of a loved one. I know it's normal to commemorate these little milestones. It's just hard to have it happen to you. It's more difficult to watch it happen to your spouse.

Time usually passes quickly for me. I normally look at the calendar with amazement as it seems like months just pass me by. For some reason, the last time I played golf seems like 2 years ago. I don't know what it is but it seems like time has just slowed to a standstill. It makes me sad to think the memory of that last day of her life is passing away as well. I've been sitting here trying to remember everything I can about that day. What follows is the stream of consciousness that came out of my brain as I was remembering as much of that day as I could.

I remember taking Karissa to her special preschool that morning, excited to play golf for the last time before I had to get back to work after vacation. I took her backpack and her lunch box and set them on the counter, she just started playing with the other kids unaware that I was leaving. She never was much for separation anxiety. I walked out the door and saw another parent walking in and smiled. I played at a new course in Lake Elsinore that day. I don't remember what I scored, but remember needing a par to shoot 39 on the back nine. Instead I quadruple bogeyed and was cussing at myself. I had a tuna sandwich at the clubhouse (a big deal because they didn't have any vegetarian food). I remember picking Karissa up at preschool and she had been changed out of her clothes because her clothes got wet. She played in the water her last day of life. She loved the water. She was tired on the way home, staring out the window, but didn't sleep. Adrianne was so excited to see her when we got home. It was the first time she had been to school in 10 days and Adrianne always felt uncomfortable being that far away from her. She was kind of disappointed that Karissa was in somebody else’s baggy clothes. Adrianne just loved having Karissa in cute clothes and I must admit these were pretty ugly, but I didn't really notice. I was worn out and sat at the computer reading the news about the Tour de France which had just started and caught up on my lab results and x-ray reports from the last 10 days so I wouldn't have to do it at work in the morning. I know Karissa had a bath that night, but I don't remember much else. I was kind of in my own world. Adrianne gave Karissa her medicine and I remember sitting at the computer and hearing screaming downstairs. I ran down and Karissa had put a bottle cap in her mouth and Adrianne couldn't get it out. Adrianne was frantic and said she's going to "choke to death." It seemed kind of an over-dramatic reaction at the time. I pulled open Karissa's mouth and removed the cap and Karissa and Adrianne calmed down. Karissa went to bed at 8 PM or so and woke up at 10 PM babbling for a few minutes and fell back a sleep just as quickly. Adrianne went to bed and I stayed up reading. When I went to bed at 1 AM, Adrianne was having a hard time sleeping and went in to check on Karissa, who was sleeping peacefully. I fell asleep listening to Mike Gallagher speaking about the emotions and difficulty of doing his first radio show after his wife passed away on June 29, 2008. That's the last moment of my life that I remember my daughter alive.



A year ago I told my friends at work I thought Barack Obama would be the next president and they all thought I was crazy. Remember Hillary was the inevitable candidate and Rudy Giuliani was the favorite among GOP circles. That was back when John McCain was polling at 10% nationally among Republicans. I watched an Obama campaign speech and remember how he was so inspiring and was such a charismatic speaker. Well I watched tonight's speech and he hasn't lost his ability to inspire. Now, as most of you know, I don't agree with him much in terms of policy, but I must admit I wish I did. I love the idea of an African American president simply because it shows how far we have come in this country. It gives me chills to see him speaking as a presidential nominee just 45 years removed from Martin Luther King's famous "I have a dream" speech.

Although I disagree with his political prescriptions, I would be proud to have Barack Obama as my President. I just don't believe in calling people ridiculous names and assigning evil motives to all politicians who disagree with me. One year ago in September, I saw Bill Clinton leaving our hotel in Chicago while I was preparing to run the Chicago Half Marathon. I remember waving at him and thinking how cool it would be to tell my daughter that she once was just a few feet from President Clinton. In the end as different as our philosophies are, we are all still Americans and most importantly humans, created and loved by God our Creator. I sometimes get the feeling that many Democrats literally believe that George Bush is evil and wants to eat your children. The campaign ad from John McCain today which congratulated Obama on the nomination, is the tone I wish could be used more often in our political discourse. Oh well, I'm back to watching re-runs of the speech with tears in my eyes.



Well all of us had a great time at Dos Lagos. The venue was definitely the biggest we've played as a trio and we were excited to see so many people there. I stole this photo from Bill's photo blog. Bill is a great bass player in his own right and I have to admit I get a little nervous playing in front of other bass players unless I'm playing Dvorak 9th Symphony and then good luck keeping up with me.

Afterwards the band had a fun dinner with our wives at TAPS and closed the place down. It was just awesome to spend time with our friends outside of the musical and church realm. Since Karissa passed away we have really felt the love and prayers of our friends and family. From the fellowship around dinner tables, to meals showing up on our front door, to sitting on the front porch with us laughing and crying into the night, to pedicures and spa dates, to working in the yard, to hundreds of cards and conversations in the hallway at church and work, Adrianne and I appreciate it all.

To everyone who is helping us through this difficult time. If we haven't said it to you and you read this, thank you. You don't know how much it means to us.


The moment we've all been waiting for. All of the Inland Empire will finally be exposed to the incredible sound that is QBS @ Dos Lagos Amphitheater. On Friday August 22, 2008 at 7:00 pm, musical history will be made. Don't miss it! I think all of you know what to do. Now make it happen.


By the way, I love this montage of pictures especially mine because I look like I'm sitting on the toilet with my bass after eating too much sushi. Unfortunately Jon didn't get the famous "orgasm" face which my sister loves to tease me about. Oh well next time.

OK so I'm going to start breaking the rules here. Something has been on my mind since I started this whole facebook and blogging thing a week ago, which was probably why it took me so long to start doing it in the first place. One of the first questions asked on facebook.com is your political views. I actually wrestled with what to write there for about 10 minutes. I had (in no particular order) Republican, Libertarian leaning Republican, Conservative, Classic Liberal - deleted and re-written several times before just settling on Libertarian. Now understand that I am a lifelong Republican, but not in the way most people think of Republicans. I am definitely not a lock-step stereotypical right wing evangelical who tries to paint all Democrats as the anti-christ. I hesitated writing anything because I knew somebody would start reading about Libertarian philosophy on Wikipedia and I worried they would attribute all of these views to me out of context. I find that I am sometimes too hesitant to let people know what I really think because it seems so easy to misconstrue the true meaning of words on a computer screen. It is all too tempting to paint political viewpoints with broad stereotypes and I don't like making enemies.My sister knows better than anyone how I do not like to get into arguments. Much like my buddy Adam, I am a "lover not a fighter" when it comes to these political discussions.


People who know me know I am politically conservative. I would say over half of my close friends are politically liberal (that's what happens when you're a musician) and I have really enjoyed the dialogue about politics with my friends lately. Over the past year or so through trying to better understand my friends' views, I have spent a lot of time reading blogs and books about all things "emergent" and liberal. From Anne Lamott to Donald Miller to Rob Bell to Dan Kimball, I have been truly challenged and fascinated by their perspectives. I was surprised at how much I agree with many of the themes of these authors, but dismayed because there seems to be a misconception that these ideas are incongruent with having a politically conservative viewpoint. There seems to be an underlying current of disdain for conservatives and much of it is probably deserved. My liberal friends are, quite admirably, concerned with equality, helping the "least of these" and "social justice." I think at the most basic level as Christians we are all called to be personally liberal in this sense. These ideals are undeniable in Scripture. Unfortunately, the devil is in the details.


The problem becomes when we are told at the point of a gun that government should mandate social justice by ever increasing taxation, government regulation and government spending. See I believe God gives us free will to make these choices willingly. It is not the government's job to force these ideals on the citizen. There is no other choice in a free society but to allow the freedom to make these "liberal" choices with our time, money and talents. I have definitely been guilty of falling short of God's will in this manner, and I continually strive to be more focused on His goals for my resources than my own selfish plans. However, to mandate my obedience to God's plan by government fiat defeats the purpose of willing personal sacrifice.


So why did I settle on Libertarian in my facebook profile? Despite the labels that get thrown around about libertarian philosophy as being selfish and greedy, at the heart of the philosophy is the principle of liberty -- liberty to make good or bad choices with our time, money and talents. It mirrors the free will I believe God gives each of us to choose to follow Him. I guess I'm pretty fed up with both parties right now. Neither conservative “hot button” issues nor liberal causes excite me at this point as they are both used to manipulate the masses, and often to take away freedom and liberty. I don't believe government is necessarily the answer to what ails the world in general or America in particular. I think God calls us to be in community with believers and focused on bringing the broken and hurting and fallen people into relationship with Him. It is within this bond of community that I believe powerful work will be done to change the world. And that is neither liberal nor conservative.



Just a couple quick "official" photos from the man himself. Let me tell you this bass is just awesome. Playing it for the first time today it was so smooth. Anyhow I need to get back to draining abscesses and trying to figure out why a 35 year old male would be vomiting blood. Oh the joys of being a bass doctor.

So I was thinking I might get a few more people to read this thing if I could get some bass fishermen to start finding me through Google. Unfortunately I have never gone fishing, much less bass fishing so I figured I'd give a quick preview of the new addition to my bass family. It's kinda like bass fishing only more expensive and doesn't smell as bad. I am now the proud owner of a Custom Stew Made Mark Ashley Signature J-5. It has been 5 months in the planning and building stages and I will be debuting this beauty at the Grove this weekend. In case you are considering asking Dave Stewart to build a guitar I really highly recommend him as he pays so much attention to every detail and really knows his stuff. On top of building great guitars he takes all my x-rays for me in Urgent Care so I have to say nice things about him.


















(Sorry about the photo quality as a few people have noted I'm not a real photographer.)

So this brings my total bass count to six and I have performed with all but one of them in the last year so that is a pretty good ratio I would say. I'm very excited to see how it sounds with the band as this weekend is gospel weekend. Hopefully my fingers can keep up with how sexy this thing looks. I promise I will get back to posting 20,000 word essays very soon, but I'm too tired right now from screaming at Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson to beat that 10 year old Chinese gymnast. I'm sure both of the people reading this will understand.










Pictures, snapshots in my head of your first day at home

Resting in your bassinet I can recall the view like yesterday

Of dolls and soccer and graduations and a wedding

Your pretty purple pajamas – Daddy’s perfect little lady


Perfect lasted just 2 short weeks and then it started with a scare

Daddy could not find God in it all, just fear and despair

Tubes and beeps and needles and a cold room

You began to give us a new view of the world – Patience Daddy


A reprieve and then more seizures and hospital beds

Doctors have no answer for you and it is frustrating

Swings and smiles and strange food and walks hand in hand

Expectations have become simple prayers for a miracle – Daddy loves you


Pictures, nightmares of that first moment of the rest of my life

Heart pounding fast and then a resigned ache of sadness

Screaming and sirens and tears and people everywhere

You are healed and God will be found in the details – Daddy misses you